


Night Sky

by Eitch



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eitch/pseuds/Eitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alenko, post-SSV Normandy SR-1 crash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Sky

Hey. Hey. Get me another drink. I know I’m drunk, just get me another. Asshole.

 

You would be so fucking pissed if you were here, wouldn’t you? You hated it when people drank. I never found the courage to ask you if it was a personal thing. You had your demons. I guess everyone does, but yours… Everyone was amazed that you survived Akuze, but what I found most impressive was that you kept surviving. Until you didn’t.

The hardest part was not having a cabin to empty. It sounds weird, but when I threw out Ashley’s stuff… I don’t know, it helped. A limit, you know. Made it clear what was past and what wasn’t. Next best thing when you don’t have a body. It was the moment I could stop hoping she’d be coming back.

I keep thinking about your last seconds. Free fall, and the threat of asphyxia. You deserved so much better.

Did you keep it together? Did you keep trying, right until the end? Did you get a chance to make your peace with whatever is out there? Did you go down screaming?

Did you think of me?

 

No, I don’t want a tissue, fuck off.

 

I should have made a move. Just asked. You were always friendly, I should have… Oh, well, it’s no use now, is it? I guess I assumed we had more time. The lightning never strikes twice. You had survived Akuze, you were basically immortal.

Do you remember all the time we spent out there? Back to back, arm to arm, shoulder to shoulder, leg to leg, so close we didn’t have to speak. Tali always complained of feeling left out. I knew the smell of your sweat, the nervous twitch in your jaw when you zeroed in on your target through the sniper rifle’s visor, the rhythm of your breathing. I could always tell the exact second at which you would jump out of your cover. I ran behind you. I always did.

Oh, Shepard. How did I mess this up so badly.

 

I said fuck off with your tissue. Look, just top me up and leave me alone.

 

I’m trying not to be mad at Joker. I know you wouldn’t want me to. I know he feels guilty enough as it is. But there’s a part of me that’ll never be able to forgive him. The Normandy was just a ship. A good ship, a great ship, probably the best one in the whole Alliance fleet, but a fucking _ship_. It didn’t matter. You mattered. You mattered, and he forced you to go back for him, because of pride, of traditions, because of so many meaningless and selfish things. No-one deserved that death, but especially not you. Especially not like this.

I still don’t quite believe that you’re gone. Gone for good, I mean. There were so many close shaves, and you always pulled through. Bulletproof Shepard, people used to call you. Everything always just seemed to line up whenever you showed up. The way you talked down Wrex - no-one could have done it but you.

You touched something in people, didn’t you? Everyone started wishing they were a better person as soon as you lay eyes on them. I know I did. You saw the person they really wanted to be, who they knew they could become - even if everyone had told them they couldn’t, even if it seemed impossible, even if they were hiding it under layers and layers of lies and delusions. People remember it when they are seen. You were kind. People mattered to you. You had your own way to show it, but it was there. I loved this in you. The fact that you respected the value of life, of that tiny microcosm that is each sentient being.

Who am I kidding, I loved everything about you.

I had no idea I had it in me to fall in love like this. I thought myself so ordinary. I still do. It makes no sense that I could create that kind of feeling, that I could carry it around for so long without having it die. Two years, Shepard. Two years of silence, of waiting for the right moment, of psyching myself up and losing my nerve at the last second. I knew we could die at any moment, of course I did - but I didn’t. Not really.

 

_\- completely shitfaced but what am I supposed to do, cut him off? I’m not paid enough for that, he has a gun_.

 

Every day your image gets a little bit less clear. Every day, no matter how hard I try, I lose a detail - intonations, a freckle I can no longer place properly, the nuance of your eyes in the sharp light of the first deck, the set of your jaw when you led a debriefing. One day I will only remember outlines, and that scares me. If those who loved you can’t be trusted to remember you, who will?

Why did you have to go, Shepard? Why did you have to leave me? What am I supposed to do now, without you, without all that you were and that’s never coming back? Millions of births across the galaxy, every day, and yet, there’ll never be anyone exactly like you ever again. It wasn’t enough, Shepard. The three years we had weren’t enough.

 

_\- think it’s Alenko, I had no idea he drank. - Well, if you guys know him, can you go talk to him?_

 

I used to look at the stars every night back on Jump Zero. It made me feel safe - knowing that the universe didn’t end there, with that fucked-up Turian and his fucked-up conception of mentorship. It reminded me of all that was out there, all the people, the cities, the planets sprinkled across the sky. Alive. It gave me hope. Why does it make me feel so lonely now, Shepard? Why does the night sky look like it’s going to swallow me whole?

 

Come on, mate, you’ve had enough. On your feet, come on, up. We’re taking you home.

 

I can’t do it without you, Shepard. Please come back.

 

Watch out for the steps, there you go.

 

Please come back.


End file.
